Lorempixel, GTMetrix, Responsibility Matrix and What the Font

Dummy images that won’t confuse clients. The ultimate performance measuring tool. A mobile app for identifying fonts and something called a responsibility assignment matrix. Not a bad line up for this week’s show.

Play

Paul Boag
This week on the show we look at dummy images, a great performance tool, WhatTheFont mobile app, and Responsibility Assignment Matrices.

So, what’s your problem with me drinking energy drinks, Leigh?

Leigh Howells
It’s just disturbing the number you…

Paul Boag
Could you be any further from the microphone?

Leigh Howells
No, I…

Paul Boag
Are you even trying at all, sit up, sit up.

Marcus Lillington
I can’t hear you.

Leigh Howells
That’s because of the sound.

Marcus Lillington
I can’t hear you.

Leigh Howells
You can’t hear me at all?

Marcus Lillington
Oh that’s better.

Paul Boag
So what’s your problem with me drinking energy drinks?

Leigh Howells
They are really bad for you, Paul, they make you all buzzy.

Paul Boag
But that’s exactly what we need for the podcast especially as I have been sitting in a three and a half hour board meeting.

Leigh Howells
True, I think you are just reliant on them there, I think you are…

Paul Boag
I’m an addict. I could be actually.

Leigh Howells
You’re addicted, and it’s all going to lead to something much harder.

Paul Boag
How cool is that.

Marcus Lillington
Yes, Redbull leads to heroin.

Paul Boag
Yes. Which drug, because I’m very naïve with drugs, which one gives you the best buzz, I need a buzz.

Leigh Howells
I think Marcus is the one to ask.

Marcus Lillington
I don’t know, they’re all very different aren’t they?

Paul Boag
I don’t know.

Marcus Lillington
I’ve never done heroin so I couldn’t comment on that one.

Paul Boag
Alright. So what have you done, Marcus?

Marcus Lillington
I’m not discussing this now.

Paul Boag
When you were in your teenage rock days.

Marcus Lillington
All sorts.

Paul Boag
What’s the worst thing you did while on drugs?

Leigh Howells
Worst thing you did?

Marcus Lillington
I remember going to a party dressed as a Scotsman.

Paul Boag
Yeah, that’s pretty bad.

Leigh Howells
You would get thrown in jail for that kind of thing.

Marcus Lillington
And everyone’s faces turned tartan.

Paul Boag
Really!

Marcus Lillington
I also had – everyone’s face was a television screen and you are old enough to remember this, TVs used to kind of…

Paul Boag
Flicker.

Marcus Lillington
They used go up, continually moving up. Everyone’s face was doing that with a tartan background.

Paul Boag
That’s not good.

Marcus Lillington
It’s just not really a bad thing, it was actually very funny.

Paul Boag
I imagine it was quite…

Leigh Howells
Did you giggle a lot?
Marcus Lillington
Yes. A very lot.
Paul Boag
Yes. I bet you are very old, yeah. That’s not good, that’s not good, Marcus. What was the most rock and roll thing you ever did? Did you throw a TV out of a hotel?

Marcus Lillington
No, no I’m not like that.

Leigh Howells
And you wouldn’t smash up a guitar either, would you?

Marcus Lillington
Oh God, no. It’s sacrilege.

Leigh Howells
You’re sensible

Marcus Lillington
I’m sensible,

Leigh Howells
You are so not a punk.

Marcus Lillington
I did – that sort of attitude…

Paul Boag
See I was hoping that you could provide a bit of kind of lively banter on the show, you know, that you would in some way make this episode more than a boring podcast.

Leigh Howells
But rock stories are what we want. Come on.

Paul Boag
I mean what other use do you bring to the podcast.

Marcus Lillington
I’m just holding it back for another time.

Paul Boag
Right. The Christmas special.

Marcus Lillington
Actually what the truth is I’m thinking ‘what happened? I’ve got no idea, uhh..?’

Paul Boag
I can tell you ladies and gentlemen exclusively first here, this Christmas episode of the podcast will be brought to you by Marcus on heroin. Kids don’t do drugs.

Marcus Lillington
No, don’t do drugs, it’s bad for you. Well, it depends.

Paul Boag
You can’t say that.

Marcus Lillington
Don’t do drugs when you’re my age. Do it while you’re young.

Paul Boag
If you are underage, you know, if you can’t drink then drugs are the next best thing.

Marcus Lillington
Drink is drugs.

Paul Boag
It is, I’m not arguing with you.

Leigh Howells
So is Redbull, back to that.

Paul Boag
Oh yeah, thank you. I managed to move the conversation on to Marcus.

Leigh Howells
It’s like Redbull isn’t it, it’s like a cheap imitation.

Paul Boag
You know what you get six of these from Iceland for ₤2.

Leigh Howells
Are they frozen?

Marcus Lillington
You’ve admitted you shop at Iceland.

Marcus Lillington
So now you get the cheap generic drug substitutes now,

Leigh Howells
You don’t know what’s in it.

Paul Boag
It’s really expensive. You know when you drink as much of it as me it really mounts up. No I only have one a day.

Leigh Howells
There could be talcum powder in there and all kinds of things. Broken glass. That’s how they get cheap stuff out.

Paul Boag
Used syringes.

Marcus Lillington
This is coming from Leigh, who went, ‘oh no I can’t eat that, because I had red meat a month ago.’

Leigh Howells
I’m not that bad. Hey you were on a starvation diet yesterday

Paul Boag
Yeah. How is that going for you?

Marcus Lillington
Only because my wife makes me do it.

Leigh Howells
You should stop her reading the papers, they are bad for you

Marcus Lillington
Yeah well true.Yes another drug.

Paul Boag
What? Papers or wives?

Leigh Howells
Yeah, papers, both.

Paul Boag
Well, shall we actually talk about something useful. I wanted to kick off actually by doing an update – tudu-tudu-tudu – like they do in the news or they used to in the 1950s. Two of the apps that we’ve talked about on the show have both been updated.

Marcus Lillington
Oh okay.

Paul Boag
One is my very favoritist app in the world, which is Evernote.

Leigh Howells
I just thought you were going to say Evernote yeah.

Marcus Lillington
Evernote is updated every week it seems.

Paul Boag
No, a major update.

Leigh Howells
I’ve seen the IOS one.

Paul Boag
Oh. The Mac one

Leigh Howells
Have you got Mac beta.

Paul Boag
Yeah

Leigh Howells
I can’t get it yet. Is it out now.

Paul Boag
Yeah. You can get it, as a beta.

Leigh Howells
Oh no because I bought it through the app store.

Paul Boag
Right, well you can delete it. Do you want to see it?

Leigh Howells
I want to see it, I want to see it. Has it got 3D tabs?

Paul Boag
It’s like – no it’s got dark sides bit.

Marcus Lillington
I know I’ve got a dark side bit.

Leigh Howells
Well, then, that’s enough to change an app completely. Like Sparrow, I love Sparrow because of the dark side bit.

Paul Boag
And then it’s got new notebook thing where it will look, this means nothing to people that can’t see it obviously.

Marcus Lillington
I can’t see it and I’m so bored.

Paul Boag
Yeah, it’s really exciting, and then it’s got new Atlas thing where you can see you notes on the map.

Leigh Howells
Oh yeah, I like the maps on iOS.

Marcus Lillington
Still bored, but nicely styled.

Paul Boag
So it’s very – and then they’ve updated the iOS one as well, haven’t they?

Leigh Howells
Yeah.

Paul Boag
Which is all very sexy as well.

Leigh Howells
Yeah, 3D tabs kind of, ooo…

Paul Boag
But, setting aside the cosmetic changes…

Leigh Howells
I said lots of people are complaining about the iOS one.

Paul Boag
No, no, no. Really?

Leigh Howells
Yeah.

Paul Boag
Why?

Leigh Howells
I don’t know.

Marcus Lillington
Because it’s different.

Leigh Howells
People like complaining.

Marcus Lillington
They don’t like change.

Paul Boag
Yeah. No, I think they are massive improvements. For a start they’ve done two things I really like. One is they have improved the writing environment, thank goodness. It’s now much better to write in, and especially somebody I like, like full screen writing environments, which on the Mac you can now do, you can just double click on the notepad…

Leigh Howells
Big full screen, no distraction.

Paul Boag
Yeah, no distraction. I get distracted easy, oh shiny! And the other things that’s done is, it’s integrated shared notebooks in with your main ones, so you don’t have to go searching for the shared notes.

Leigh Howells
Okay.

Paul Boag
So we could all share – we could create a notebook for the podcast, and then we could have all of the things relating to the podcast in there and you will be prepared for the show for once, Marcus.

Leigh Howells
Do they magically appear then rather then?

Paul Boag
Yeah.

Leigh Howells
Oh okay. Because if I’ve got any shared notebooks I wouldn’t know how to make those – you cannot see them, that’s probably what they tried to fix.

Paul Boag
Yeah, that is the issue that they have addressed. So that’s good, that was one update, the other one I’m totally unprepared for because I haven’t actually looked at what’s changed on it, which is they’ve updated ScreenFlow. So there is now a ScreenFlow 4. So I’ve just gone to the ScreenFlow website and I’m trying to work out what’s different. I’m sure it’s some rubbish or other they are passing off. Oh they’ve got razzle-dazzle and chroma key effects now.

Marcus Lillington
I use ScreenFlow the first time in anger last week. I did…

Leigh Howells
Oh you did, didn’t you?

Marcus Lillington
Yes.

Paul Boag
Did you enjoy it, did you find it a good app?

Marcus Lillington
I did, very much. I did actually said it at the time, I rated it rather highly. But it’s great, you can edit so quickly.

Paul Boag
You can, it’s brilliant. To be honest I now do any video edit, you know, I’ve got to edit, because it just is so simple and so clean and you can do quite complex stuff.

Marcus Lillington
I/O command delete. I/O command delete. That’s it. Cleared that, that and that.

Paul Boag
Go for it

Leigh Howells
I mean, lots of people will probably think they may need more than they actually do, they are going to buy – what’s that, not Aperture, the other one.

Paul Boag
Camtasia.

Marcus Lillington
No no. You are talking about video editing.

Leigh Howells
Yeah, the big video kind off.

Marcus Lillington
What is the one that they use?

Paul Boag
It’s Premiere?

Marcus Lillington
No .That’s the Adobe one, the other one on the Mac, you know. Final Cut Pro? Yeah, big-big-big apps.

Marcus Lillington
Yes, I wouldn’t know where to start.

Leigh Howells
No.

Paul Boag
I mean essentially what you are trying to – for the stuff I do you are just trying to put a few clips together really, it’s not a very complicated. But they do now, yes, they now offer chroma key effects, which is very cool

Marcus Lillington
What’s that, Paul?

Paul Boag
You know, when you have a green screen background behind you.

Marcus Lillington
Oh alright, alright.

Paul Boag
Honestly.

Marcus Lillington
I couldn’t understand what you just said.

Paul Boag
You really embarrass yourself.

Marcus Lillington
It’s like kkk key.

Paul Boag
Chroma Key Effects.

Leigh Howells
Paul you are you going to paint your back wall green now, you are, aren’t you,

Paul Boag
I might have to. That would be so cool.

Leigh Howells
Does it not work on orange. Isn’t your office orange?

Paul Boag
I think – yeah, but I’ve got TVs and bookshelves and things like that.

Leigh Howells
Because it used to be blue screen and it became green and I never really understood why.

Paul Boag
I think there was – there is a reason.

Leigh Howells
Really?

Paul Boag
I’m a bit lacking in details.

Marcus Lillington
There is a reason.

Paul Boag
No, what I would do normally in this kind of situation is – oh yes, that’s because of the compression software, and then if I say it confidently enough people believe me. But I just – I ended up with…

Marcus Lillington
I’ve got a friend who does that: ‘Oh that’s the lesser spotted warbler bird’.

Paul Boag
Yeah, no freaking idea.

Marcus Lillington
And it’s like…

Paul Boag
My wife accuses me of this.

Leigh Howells
Saying something with confidence.

Paul Boag
My dad does it as well, he is a wildlife photographer.

Marcus Lillington
So everyone believes him. Because Phil, he is old man of the country, you know, oh whatever.

Leigh Howells
Believe every word he says.

Marcus Lillington
He tells you something and it’s like, that’s bollocks isn’t it?

Paul Boag
No idea, it’s a little brown thing. LBJ that’s what you call. You call them LBJs. Oh that’s an LBJ, a Little Brown Job. That’s what ornithologists do; it took me a minute to get there. What else has it got? It’s got – you can nest clips to media tools, no big deal, not fussed about that. Captions in MP3s, that’s quite useful, being able to caption it.

Marcus Lillington
Yes.

Paul Boag
And there is dynamic updates and more shortcuts, don’t even know what that means. Streamlining my work flow, it’s going to play a video. Don’t – go away.

Marcus Lillington
This is – I could play the video…

Paul Boag
You could do. We had confused some people, mind. There was one lady that felt that suddenly something had been – like we’ve cut to another channel or something.

Marcus Lillington
Kept trying to change the dial.

Paul Boag
Pressed the remote control by mistake. Bless her.

Marcus Lillington
Okay, fair enough. Yeah.

Leigh Howells
Felt to me like you were just advertising for them.

Paul Boag
Yeah, she asked us that.

Leigh Howells
Just played their entire video and market them.

Marcus Lillington
I had to make one of them stop last week though.

Paul Boag
Yeah, it was so annoying wasn’t it? Anyway, shall we move on to this week’s –

Marcus Lillington
What were we just talking about?

Paul Boag
I don’t know it wouldn’t have been anything interesting.

Marcus Lillington
It was the video software, wasn’t it?

Paul Boag
Streamline your workflow was the last thing that I said. I don’t listen to what you say and you don’t pay attention to what I say.

Marcus Lillington
It will come back to me in a minute.

Lorem Pixel

Lorem Pixel website

Paul Boag
Okay. Let’s move on to our designer app of the week. All right, so our designer app of the week is Lorem Pixel.

Marcus Lillington
I have to say I really like Lorem Pixel.

Paul Boag
You are making it sound like you knew about it before I just said about that.

Leigh Howells
You are a long time user, aren’t you, Marcus?

Marcus Lillington
No, no, no. I…

Leigh Howells
Looked at it just now.

Marcus Lillington
Basically – obviously this is the thing…

Paul Boag
Now, you are going to do what you do every week and start talking about the app without us describing what it is.

Marcus Lillington
No. All I’m going to say is, very quickly, it generates pictures for you.

Paul Boag
That’s it, that’s it.

Marcus Lillington
I randomly clicked on color image and got a picture of a beautiful woman in a nighty.

Paul Boag
There you go.

Leigh Howells
I got an Apple.

Marcus Lillington
Mine’s better than yours.

Leigh Howells
So I don’t like it quite as much as you.

Paul Boag
Okay. I’m going to sit back and explain what this app is. Essentially, we all use Lorem text, don’t we, from time to time, we shouldn’t do, we should always get the text from the client upfront, but this is the real world and it doesn’t normally happen. So, sometimes you have to use Lorem Ipsum text. But, this is kind of the image equivalent of that. There is oftentimes, especially wireframes, when you need to put a placeholder image in, all right, so this basically is a service where you…

Marcus Lillington
This particular image would put people off I think and it would draw the eye too much away from…

Paul Boag
This is what I wanted to get to. This is simply where I wanted to get to. So the idea is you can type in LoremPixel.com/400wide/200 or whatever dimensions you need, right, nice and easy. You can say whether you want color images, whether you want grey images, you can even say I want things within a certain category, so I want abstract imagery, so I don’t have semi-clad women that give old men palpitations.

Leigh Howells
You are assuming she was semi-league…

Marcus Lillington
Semi-league, she was wearing a nighty.

Paul Boag
Nighty. It’s not pornography.

Leigh Howells
No, no, no. We are not suggesting….

Paul Boag
They haven’t got categories of…

Marcus Lillington
It was a bit of a surprise. I was expecting an apple to let you go, and I was like, oh right, okay.

Leigh Howells
No, pornographic is missing from the category.

Paul Boag
It is, it’s sadly lacking…

Leigh Howells
People.

Paul Boag
Or semi-naked middle aged men. Why don’t you get that kind of pornography.

Marcus Lillington
That’s a horrible thing.

Paul Boag
Right, who says our bodies are any less attractive than…

Marcus Lillington
The rest of the human race?

Leigh Howells
Anybody with vision.

Paul Boag
Okay. So, you can type this in and it gives you a random image. Now, what I like about this – because there are other tools out there, there is Dummy Images and all kinds of different tools to do some of the things, what I like about this one is that every time it loads a different image, and this overcomes what I think is a really big problem that we’ve had with clients before, and they’ve looked at a wire frame and they go, oh I’m not sure about that woman in a nighty. You know, I mean – I don’t – that’s right.

Male Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Paul Boag
But this, because every time you hit refresh it puts in a different image, you kind of get past that and it is not such a big deal. And it’s really easy, you don’t have to keep coming back to the site to do it, all you need to do is type in lorempixel.com/ whatever it is that you want, which is just great. It’s, really-really good tool, I highly recommend it. I’ve used it when I was doing the Boagworld site, when I was doing the kind of page templates for those, and I didn’t have the final images that appear in my posts. I just whacked in a Lorempixel. So I can highly recommend it, check it out, it’s strangely addictive, I think – which is what Leigh is experiencing right now.

Leigh Howells
I’m a slider.

Marcus Lillington
That hasn’t moved from the first picture.

Leigh Howells
Still on that one.

Paul Boag
See I keep getting nice abstract ones.

Leigh Howells
It does really big images as well, so 1920 by 1920.

Paul Boag
Yeah, you can do pretty darn big images.

Leigh Howells
So if you want background images, I guess you can just stick the background.

Paul Boag
Yeah, and you can say only show fashion images or only show…

Marcus Lillington
I’ve gone to a winter salad, I’ve got sushi –

Paul Boag
You can even do fashion images that are gray, that I think is very cool as well. So you could do lorempixel.com/g/400/200/sports, and you can even put forward-slash dummy-text, and it will give you a random bit text over the top of the image, but that’s not a lot of use. But you could put in whatever the text is, you don’t have to write dummy.text.

Leigh Howells
You can just put in the URL.

Paul Boag
Yeah.

Leigh Howells
Okay.

Paul Boag
Which is kind of cool if you just want to say sample image on it or something like that. So I think it’s a really well thought through tool, absolutely free of charge. The guys that produce this deserve a mention but I’ve no idea who they are. There is a banner called Design Melt in the corner. No that’s an award. They deserve to win the award. Here you go About Us, at the bottom, I’m going to look them up, because they’re – I’m that impressed, I like people that provide these kinds of free services. Highly motivated blah-blah-blah Holem Moritza in Germany, there you go, they are Germans, it looks German.

Marcus Lillington
Does it?

Paul Boag
It does to me.

Marcus Lillington
Okay. And it’s clean and efficient.

Paul Boag
There we go.

Leigh Howells
Well made.

Paul Boag
So, that is our conclusions about German people that they are efficient, they are well made, and apparently hygienic as well.

Leigh Howells
Sounds good to me.

Marcus Lillington
Really?

Paul Boag
Clean. Right, so there we go that’s the designer tool now let’s move on.

GT Metrix

GT Metrix report for boagworld.com

Paul Boag
Okay. So our next tool is a developing tool, and I’ve used this tool a lot recently since I discovered it. It’s a recommendation by somebody, ooh, I need to say, yes, by the way.

Marcus Lillington
What?

Paul Boag
No, I’m talking to the listeners.

Marcus Lillington
Oh okay. It sounded like it, but you were looking at me.

Paul Boag
Go to boagworld.com/apps make your suggestions of tools. This particular tool was recommended by Daniel J. Louis.

Marcus Lillington
Right.

Paul Boag
That sounds a bit suspicious.

Leigh Howells
There could be millions of them.

Paul Boag
Well, if you were called Daniel – by putting a J in you, you are making it more like the person – who is this Daniel Louis.

Leigh Howells
But there is 1 in 26 chance that your middle name is J.

Paul Boag
No, middle name might be Alexander, as in my case.

Leigh Howells
Still a 1 in 26 chance.

Marcus Lillington
And the person is Day, not J.

Leigh Howells
Letter of the alphabet.

Paul Boag
Oh I see what you mean, right, yeah. But you could have – if it’s not just J, so what is it – it’s just got J the letter. So, why didn’t he put his full – he is making it sound like Daniel Day Louis is what I’m saying, on purpose.

Leigh Howells
Yes, yes.

Paul Boag
He thinks that that makes him cooler.

Marcus Lillington
It’s exactly Daniel Jeremy Louis.

Paul Boag
Which is nowhere near as cool, is it?

Leigh Howells
I would do that, I think I will definitely put a J here, I wouldn’t put Jeremy.

Paul Boag
Oh okay, so you are that type. With that said, Daniel J. Louis, I don’t mean to mock you on the podcast because that’s really unfair. You have suggested an absolutely superb tool that I have since become obsessed about. It’s called GT Metrix. It’s a really, really, really, really useful tool that I have started using.

Marcus Lillington
What does it do, Paul?

Paul Boag
What you do is you type in URL, boagworld.com and then it does a load of processing stuff and it gives you recommendations or it gives you a page performance report, right, and it will tell you by different category. So it would give you a break down by a ranking called Page Speed, and then another ranking by J-Slow, which is the Yahoo one, it will give you a time line showing you how quickly stuff loaded, and you can even go back and look at the history of that domain over time, so if you have tested it before. For example, Boagworld right now I get a page speed grade of C and a Y slow grade of B, but load time of 2.27 seconds which I think is pretty damn good. And then what it does is it gives you a breakdown of your rating on specific things, so you can see where you are strong and where you are weak.

So, for example, my C rating on page speed ranking is because it’s given me a low rating for specifying image dimensions, I haven’t put the width and the height, but that’s because I’m making a responsive site.

Marcus Lillington
Leverage Browser Caching, what does that mean?

Paul Boag
Yeah, that’s the other good thing. It’s where you are doing badly on something. So, for example, on Y slow I’ve got no rating for using a content delivery network because I’ve literally just turned that off because CloudFlare that I was using seems to be down more than it’s up and taking my side with it. So I’ve got an F rating on that because I don’t have one at the moment. Then you can expand it, it tells you the particular files that are the problem and there is a What Does This Mean button, so it tells you about, you know, gives you a little tool tip of what it is, and then you can hit read more.

Marcus Lillington
Right.

Paul Boag
It’s also got some really specific guides, like for example, it looks like you are using WordPress, here are tips for optimizing WordPress, and you can go and read that. And it’s really-really a great way of improving the performance on your site and does make a real difference. I became a little bit obsessed with this tool, thanks to Daniel, and I was up until 03:00 in the morning trying to get a AA rating on it, which I did succeed on until I have now turned off CloudFlare which has put my rating back down.

Leigh Howells
Were you drinking Redbull, Paul?

Paul Boag
No, I wasn’t.

Leigh Howells
Or some generic alternative.

Paul Boag
No, I wasn’t drinking anything.

Leigh Howells
I hate this thing, it gives me big letter Ds on my site and red things…

Paul Boag
Has it, no, see.

Marcus Lillington
Ooo, lots of stuff.

Paul Boag
But, seriously it doesn’t take a lot of work to get this going and get this better, and when you do, wow, your site really fires fast. I think it’s just really – I find even the timeline, I know that timeline is built into things like Chrome and stuff like that. But being able to see what assets are loading and how long they are taking and to identify the things that are taking slightly longer, it’s really nice to know how big an impact that Twitter button is having on the performance of your site.

Leigh Howells
Yeah, absolutely. I mean it’s good for page ranking and Google and things like that, and in Page Speed it’s is part of the criteria isn’t it?

Paul Boag
Yeah, it’s part of the…

Marcus Lillington
I know what I’m going to go and have a look at. I can’t tell you.

Leigh Howells
How does the Google…

Paul Boag
That really added something to podcast.

Male Speaker
My stupid voice must have done a bit…

Paul Boag
It must – it’s perfectly legitimate to cut across Leigh’s really good a points about Page Speed…

Leigh Howells
Ooh I’ve got something you don’t know,

Marcus Lillington
I had a bit of an ooo moment.

Paul Boag
Come on. Sorry, you were saying Leigh?

Leigh Howells
I’m completely distracted now. No, Page Speed. Google Page Speed, something I only looked at recently. Yeah, I was just saying that the faster your speed I guess you get ranked more highly.

Paul Boag
Yeah, you do apparently now.

Leigh Howells
Does this kind of correlate with that? Have you tried Google Page Speed on your website?

Paul Boag
I haven’t, well, that’s interesting. There is a website that’s there Google Page Speed, link in the show notes.

Leigh Howells
Have I got the name of it right, first of all?

Paul Boag
Oh yes, there we are: Page Speed, make your site faster.

Leigh Howells
And where do they get – where does it measure from. Because I was testing a site in Australia.

Paul Boag
So how do I use it by the way?

Leigh Howells
I don’t know. That has to – if you have to use an Australian version or is this Page Speed communicated across the world.

Paul Boag
I don’t know. That’s a really good point, where does it judge it from?

Leigh Howells
I mean judging any site in the barn you think they’re all bloody slow.

Marcus Lillington
True.

Leigh Howells
Yeah. It’s not judging it from here, it’s judging it from where it was hosted.

Paul Boag
I’ve got – it seems to be making it really complicated, I need to sign up for some service or manage my account or I don’t know, something like that.

Leigh Howells
It’s just a page with a URL, a space for a URL on it somewhere.

Paul Boag
See, this is really professional. Have all of these things together before you start the show. So, it’s a similar thing. I mean I see it’s got a Chrome extension and a Firefox extension and other things that are techy that I don’t understand. So, yeah. But you find an actual URL, you could just type stuff in by magic?

Leigh Howells
Yeah, yeah, unless it has suddenly changed. “Analyze your site online.”

Paul Boag
They seem to be changing quite a lot recently.

Leigh Howells
There it is.

Paul Boag
Have you got it?

Leigh Howells
Forward slash – oh it’s developers.google.com.

Paul Boag
Yeah, that’s where it was /speed/pagespeed.

Leigh Howells
/insight – you found it.

Paul Boag
Insight. Oh I just happened to be on that page. Let’s give it a go. All right. Boagworld let’s –

Leigh Howells
Live Google Page Speed test. How exciting.

Paul Boag
Oh that was quite quick. Right. I received a score of 94 out of 100. I rock.

Leigh Howells
Ooh, that’s very good, that’s…

Paul Boag
Oh yes. So, what has it given me to do? There are no suggestions.

Leigh Howells
Wow!

Paul Boag
Oh yes, I rock. Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh! There we go. So that’s really good. I’m very pleased with myself, well done me. Oh no it has got some suggestions down the side. Oh no those are the ones I’ve already done. Oh I see, right, okay. So the left hand side has got stuff I’ve got to do. So I’ve got 13 low priority suggestions, two experimental rules – ooh-err. Yeah, so it’s very similar kind of product. I have to still prefer the user interface of GT Metrix, it’s a bit more obvious.

Leigh Howells
It’s probably worth looking at both I suspect, yeah.

Paul Boag
Yeah. And the great thing I like about GT Metrix one is, it – you can actually click and find more information about these things. While it’s a bit light on its information on the other one, but it is quicker. Minify HTML. I haven’t done that, that’s terrible. Well, I kind of did it on purpose because I like people to be able to route through it and have a look around if they want to and find out all the bad things that I’ve done.

Leigh Howells
Why, why would you want to – seems like the perfect solution to minify everything.

Paul Boag
No, no – what to hide it so people can never see?

Leigh Howells
That’s something I’m going to do from now on.

Paul Boag
I’m thinking about actually putting my less file online so people can have that and see how I’ve done that as well.

Leigh Howells
Okay, yeah, yeah.

Paul Boag
But no, with the HTML, it’s really beneficial because somebody for example had a nose through my HTML and they write these passive aggressive emails, it’s great. They write ‘so Paul can you explain why you’ve included this twice on the page?’ But what they mean is ‘you’re stupid you didn’t include it’ – but it was great because they then find stuff for me and I can fix it, which is great.

Leigh Howells
True, yeah. That’s a bonus.

Paul Boag
And they might learn something from my wisdom of coding.

Leigh Howells
You never know.

Paul Boag
Not very likely is it? So, check out GT Metrix, and then also check out Google Page Speed, sounds like both of those are brilliant tools because both say my site rocks. Let’s move on.

Okay, so I just realized I haven’t told the podcast listeners, if you happen to listen to this podcast but you haven’t been to boagworld.com for a while, first of all shame on you, you bad human being.

Marcus Lillington
No one will have.

Paul Boag
No, actually it’s the other way around. Vast majority of people look at the website but don’t listen to the podcast. Apparently it’s something to do with the people that are on the podcast.

Marcus Lillington
Yeah.

Paul Boag
Especially the regulars, the regular. The host apparently is great, it’s the co-host that they have a bit of a problem with.

Marcus Lillington
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Paul Boag
So probably you have seen it. But if you haven’t check out boagworld.com we have done a complete redesign and I have to say, modestly, that it’s brilliant.

Marcus Lillington
‘It’s amazing.’

Paul Boag
I am actually really pleased with that, it’s not often I get really excited about something I’ve done. Normally by the end of me doing it I want to tear my hair out. But this has come out all right. It’s nice and responsive, we’ve now got comments in at last; if you’re on a mobile device you can actually leave a comment. We’ve got rid of the forum, and I have explained that on the website, but I think it’s worth briefly saying here that the forum, we had lots of problems with spam in it, it was becoming quite unmanageable, we had upkeep maintenance problems with it. Great product – can’t recommend Vanilla Forums enough, but for us it wasn’t the right solution. So, what we’ve done is we’ve now moved to a Q&A section. So, this is really important guys, I hope you’re paying attention, if you’re working at the moment just pay attention just for a second.

Marcus Lillington
Ignore your boss.

Paul Boag
Have I got your attention? Okay. Basic – the new Q&A section, if you’ve got a question about any aspect of web design you can now tweet it with #HelpBW after it, and we will endeavor to answer your question. By we I mean the Boagworld community as a whole. I’m answering some, Ed’s answered one, Dan’s answered one…

Leigh Howells
I didn’t know it existed.

Paul Boag
…you didn’t even know it existed. But also some listeners are beginning to answer and readers are beginning to answer as well. Some of the questions you can just have a look at Help BW and you might see a question and you think ‘yes, I can answer that for you.’ So, just drop me an email with your answer and I’ll put up on the website. So, we’re going to hopefully get a bit of dialogue going there. It’s like a forum but a little bit more edited, a little bit more controlled, and I wanted to bring all the conversation together so that the conversation’s happening on the blog, in the comments and also on Twitter, but not kind of all over the place, which is what I had before.

Leigh Howells
Do you know the best thing about the new design?

Paul Boag
What’s that?

Leigh Howells
There’s no picture of you on the front.

Paul Boag
I’ve had people say they miss that.

Leigh Howells
Do they? Put in your About You page then. There you go – About Paul.

Paul Boag
You know what’s really interesting, mine, is that everybody always – every time I’ve done a redesign since that original, say I miss the cow. Do you remember that cow?

Leigh Howells
What? Because it’s got cows on it.

Paul Boag
I know, I thought, I said it’s not good enough.

Leigh Howells
There’s a load of cows. There’s a whole herd.

Marcus Lillington
There’s four cows here.

Paul Boag
I can only see two of them, how can you see all those cows? Does it depend on how wide your screen is. Oh yeah, you’ve got a wider screen than me. I had my window not full screen.

Leigh Howells
Yeah.

Paul Boag
So, yes, there are loads of cows, so stop your moaning.

Leigh Howells
Full herd width –

Paul Boag
And also I’m not on the home page, which is why I’m seeing that.

Marcus Lillington
That’ll be why.

Paul Boag
There we go, now I can see all four cows, that’s good, life is good.

Leigh Howells
Me and Marcus are on the site at the bottom look.

Paul Boag
You are.

Leigh Howells
But you’re not there at all. Excellent.

Paul Boag
No I don’t appear on the bottom – actually that’s a bit weird, why am I not there? I think I need to put myself in, that’s quite important. Right, anyway, so that was a huge tangent.

Leigh Howells
It certainly was.

Paul Boag
So what were we supposed to be talking about?

Leigh Howells
Was that a tangent?

Paul Boag
Yeah. Perhaps –

Marcus Lillington
What are we talking about?

Leigh Howells
Oh I know matrix-y thing.

Marcus Lillington
Yeah, yeah.

Responsibility Assignment Matrix

An example Responsibility Assignment Matrix

Paul Boag
The matrices. I’m just trying to make something really dull sound really exciting. This is something for you website owners then. How come the website owners always get the dull things? Last week it was quite cool, dimension app, that wasn’t dull.

Marcus Lillington
Yeah, but it’s because they didn’t try hard enough at school.

Paul Boag
Do you realize you’ve just insulted all of the potential clients now? They’re all the website owners that you’ve just been rude about.

Marcus Lillington
Yeah.

Paul Boag
Would you like to apologize Mr. Salesman?

Marcus Lillington
I include me in that group.

Paul Boag
In that category.

Marcus Lillington
Yes.

Paul Boag
What are you exactly, what is it that you do?

Marcus Lillington
Who am I?

Paul Boag
Well, yeah, you’re not a website owner, you don’t own a website.

Marcus Lillington
Well, I kind of do.

Paul Boag
What?

Marcus Lillington
Headscape.

Paul Boag
Oh yeah, when was the last time you updated anything on that?

Marcus Lillington
Yeah, well I kind of should.

Paul Boag
Yeah. Like most website owners. They’re responsible for it, but they never do anything with it. Therefore…

Marcus Lillington
Therefore I group myself…

Paul Boag
No that’s fair enough, I’m with you. So, anyway, this is – it’s interesting, isn’t it? I feel like our jobs are beginning to change a little bit recently, and Headscape’s going in a bit more of an interesting – well not interesting, a different direction.

Marcus Lillington
Interesting’s probably not the right word.

Paul Boag
But, I had blogged about this on Headscape a while back – this does go somewhere by the way, bear with me. So I blogged on.Headscape a while back about how I was getting kind of consistently frustrated with producing websites that were – we do all these wonderful design work, we produce a great website, it goes live, and then it slowly festers over time. And that’s not a criticism of any one individual, it’s that within most organizations they lack…

Marcus Lillington
I want to hear this.

Paul Boag
Why?

Marcus Lillington
How is this not going to be a criticism?

Paul Boag
No, because it’s an organizational problem, not an individual problem. People – within most organizations there is a lack of resource to work on a website conceptually over the long term, to run it over the long term. There either is no in-house web team and it falls part time to a marketing person project manager that doesn’t have the time to put – give to it.

Marcus Lillington
Or the IT department.

Paul Boag
Or the IT people who are equally busy. Or it falls to an internal web team that spend so much of their time just putting content online that someone higher up the chain has demanded that they never get to think conceptually about the website. So this was becoming a frustration to us. So we started to get kind of more hands on involved, didn’t we, in these kinds of decisions.

Marcus Lillington
For years we’ve been saying ‘you should be doing this, you should be doing that’ and everyone goes ‘oh yeah yeah yeah yeah’ and now we’ve finally actually decided that…

Paul Boag
We’re going to do it for them.

Marcus Lillington
…we ought to help them make it.

Paul Boag
Rather than lecturing them. Yeah

Marcus Lillington
Rather than wagging fingers, that we should get involved.

Paul Boag
So, one of the parts of the jigsaw is a really dull phrase called web governance. And web governance essentially is about working out who’s responsible for what, it’s about policies and procedures and lots of sexy stuff like that. The kind of thing that gets you up in the morning, you think ‘today I want to go into work…

Marcus Lillington
In the middle of the night, me.

Paul Boag
‘…and create a procedure.’ So – and one of the biggest problems is who is responsible for what, right? Classic example is design. We all know design by committee sucks, it produces bland design. But how do you get around that in an organization where, let’s face it, lots of people do need to comment on the design and they are all people that have got – should have a say and have got something to say in the process, how do you manage that? Well, one of the tools that we’ve started using is something called Responsibility Assignment Matrix.

Marcus Lillington
Have we?

Paul Boag
Yeah, this is my new fun tool.

Marcus Lillington
You haven’t, Leigh.

Leigh Howells
No.

Marcus Lillington
I think that he’s making it up.

Paul Boag
You’re missing out, right.

Leigh Howells
Am I?

Paul Boag
One day I might give you this to do, so pay attention. Because you know what I’m liked, I’ll get bored of it and pass it on to you.

Leigh Howells
So matrix, is that a column with your name above and you just tick all the things, Paul, Paul, Paul. Or no – not Paul. Anybody but Paul.

Paul Boag
Anything but Paul. Now you get it.

Leigh Howells
Ah, okay.

Paul Boag
So, essentially what you do is you create all of the kind of ongoing tasks that are associated with a web project. So it might be, you know, online branding related stuff, of areas of responsibility I guess e is probably a better way of describing them. Online branding, analytics monitoring, ongoing programmer usability testing, site accessibility, social media management, content creation, content removal, new feature development, hosting, technical implementation, design work, etc. etc. etc. So, all of these different areas that you work in. Then what you do is you have four columns – well, it’s up to you, there are lots of ways of doing these Responsibility Assignment Matrices.

Marcus Lillington
You can get very complicated if you wish.

Paul Boag
Yes.

Marcus Lillington
Go look at the Wikipedia page on that.

Paul Boag
Yeah, it is quite insanely complicated. But the approach that I kind of prefer is essentially four types of roles associated with each task, all right?

Marcus Lillington
Yes.

Paul Boag
So it’s a matrix. A column of tasks, rows of different responsibilities. So, first one is responsible, all right. So this is the person that’s actually responsible for doing the task, making it happen. So, for example, in the case of design sign off, this would be the designer, all right. So this is the person that’s actually doing the job. Now, this person might be someone internal from the organization or it might be an outside contractor or whatever else, so that’s role one. Second is accountable. So this is the single, single person that is ultimately accountable for the successful completion of the task, right? So this is the person with whom the buck stops, and sign off is provided for the task. So in the case of design it would be the person, the client or project manager or individual that actually has to sign off the design, right?

Marcus Lillington
Where did you get the names from in this diagram?

Leigh Howells
Yeah, my name’s not –

Paul Boag
I made up names.

Leigh Howells
Good.

Paul Boag
All right. Just – I did a makeup…

Marcus Lillington
But some people aren’t made up.

Leigh Howells
I thought I was responsible for something for a second.

Paul Boag
No, it’s okay. It’s a random thing. So the third group is consulted and those are the people that need to be talked, you know, you need to inform and ask for opinions and feedback. It’s those that you ask for feedback.

Marcus Lillington
You need feedback from because that’s the difference between the final group, which you just tell them ‘this is what you’re doing.’

Paul Boag
Yes.

Marcus Lillington
Just being informed.

Paul Boag
So the consulted group and then the final group is the informed group, which as Marcus says, are the people who just get told what’s happening, but don’t get to feedback like the consulted group.

Marcus Lillington
Yes ‘we have created a new piece of the website which means your job no longer exists.’

Paul Boag
Yes ‘you’re fired’ there you go, that’s your informed group.

Leigh Howells
You’re not in the right column to comment.

Paul Boag
Yes. But that’s what works so well about this. Is that you’ve now got – you know, clearly defined roles of – and people know – rather than having a committee where everybody feels like they’ve got an equal voice, it very clearly states your role and your part in all of this. So you’ve always got one person who’s accountable, and you may have more than one person who’s responsible, more than one designer for example, or a designer and developer or whatever. Your consultant group gets a little bit larger than that and then your informed group is the biggest group of all.

And basically the idea is that you – is that people, their roles within a particular task are defined by what they can contribute to the process. So if they’re a doer, if they’re someone that actually does it, then they’re the people that are responsible. If they’re someone with the purse strings, they’re normally the accountable person. Those that are consulted are people that have got a direct knowledge or stake in whatever it is that’s being done. And the informed group is a wider group.

And so what it does is it helps to clearly define the roles and limit the number of people involved. You can either, for example, if you’ve got this challenge of people wanting to be consulted rather than informed, which is the obvious conflict here, you can either say upfront ‘let’s agree that only six people can be in the consulted group’ and then you basically get people to justify whether they should be within that top six; so they’ve got a real understanding of design and experience, working in design for example.

So by kind of making it a general criteria that we can only have six people in the consulted group then it makes it easier to turn people away and say ‘you can’t be in it.’ You see what I mean?

Leigh Howells
‘It’s full’ yeah.

Marcus Lillington
‘Yes, come back next year.’

Paul Boag
Yes. ‘Sorry, we’re full up. Unless somebody dies from the consulted group.’

Marcus Lillington
It’s like you are supreme court.

Paul Boag
Exactly, very good analogy.

Leigh Howells
Is this a kind of tried and tested thing or..?

Paul Boag
Yes.

Marcus Lillington
It’s been out a few years, yes.

Leigh Howells
Oh okay, it isn’t something you’ve made up.

Paul Boag
No, no, it’s an –

Leigh Howells
Okay, I’m just checking.

Paul Boag
Do not trust me?

Leigh Howells
I don’t know – well… of course I trust you.

Paul Boag
This is…

Leigh Howells
I just thought it sounded quite intelligent that was all.

Paul Boag
It’s on Wikipedia. So it must be tried and tested.

Leigh Howells
Oh okay, right, it’s one of these kinds of business-y manage-y kind of thingy, right.

Paul Boag
Yeah. All I’m doing is applying it to the web.

Leigh Howells
Uh-huh, and you’ve made a nice pretty spreadsheet.

Paul Boag
And I’ve made a nice pretty spreadsheet.

Leigh Howells
You’ve shaded it in shades of green.

Paul Boag
So this is going to be on – this and some other things, this is going to be on a Smashing Magazine article by the time the show comes out I’m promised by Vitaly. So, I’ll link through to it and you can read all about this technique as well as some other stuff about policies and what policies you should be creating to get you started thinking in the way – in terms of the ongoing maintenance and looking after your website. So, link in the show notes to the Smashing Magazine article. Highly recommend if you’re part of any medium to large sized organization you definitely need to be talking about this kind of stuff. And Marcus is sitting there with his arms folded, so I will do the sales thing.

Marcus Lillington
I was just thinking ‘shall I put my sales hat on?’ Have to come in closer as well.

Paul Boag
Yeah. We really – I’m really getting into this kind of work. So if this is the kind of problem and you want somebody else to guide you through this process, we would love to talk to you about it. But either way, the responsibility assignment matrix is a superb tool that really –

Marcus Lillington
You wouldn’t let me get a word in edgeways there, did you notice that? ‘Oh look you’ve got your arms folded, you’re not going to talk about it.’

Paul Boag
Well no because I – but you would have done it –

Marcus Lillington
Then I sat forward and said ‘yes, okay, I’ll do it and then he just goes ‘yang-yang-yang-yang-yang…’

Paul Boag
But you would have only done it – you would have gone on and on about how great Headscape is and there would probably have been a PowerPoint involved, which nobody can see.

Marcus Lillington
A PowerPoint.

Paul Boag
I could just see the way it was going to go.

Marcus Lillington
With 10 bullets, I’ll read them out as they come…

Paul Boag
Yeah, 10 bullets on every screen.

Marcus Lillington
‘Oh no my PowerPoint’s broken.’

Paul Boag
Right, okay, here’s the challenge, right, let’s see how good he is. So, give us the elevator pitch. In less than 30 seconds have you got a phone or something, have you got something that we can time him with? You got a watch?

Leigh Howells
I’ve got a watch.

Paul Boag
You’ve got 30 seconds…

Marcus Lillington
Not a chance. Paul there’s no chance I can do in a million years.

Paul Boag
…to sell Headscape’s…

Marcus Lillington
No, nope. Nope. Chance won’t come.

Leigh Howells
He’s not rising to the challenge.

Paul Boag
Aww, that’s pathetic.

Marcus Lillington
I don’t work like that.

Paul Boag
See I thought he was a salesman, he’s not is he?

Marcus Lillington
No.

Paul Boag
He’s a website owner.

Marcus Lillington
I’m a website owner.

Paul Boag
Yes, there we go. Okay, so that’s the Responsibility Assignment Matrix. Hope you find it useful guys, I know it’s not the most exciting of tools. But, give it a go, it does make a difference.

What the font

Whatthefont screenshot

Paul Boag
So, our final app of the week is a mobile app as it always is, and this one is magic. It is magic.

Leigh Howells
It really is magic.

Paul Boag
Have you used this one?

Leigh Howells
I have. I’m really, really bad at identifying fonts, I wouldn’t actually be confident if Helvetica was put in front of me.

Paul Boag
In front – Helvetica and Arial. Tell the difference?

Leigh Howells
I wouldn’t – maybe.

Paul Boag
That’s the shameful thing to admit as a designer

Leigh Howells
My brain doesn’t – it just doesn’t remember.

Paul Boag
You’re not good with visuals.

Leigh Howells
I just can’t remember the little details that differentiate all the different fonts. I rely on software to do it for me.

Paul Boag
Right. So tell us about this app then, as you’ve got so far.

Leigh Howells
Well, you can point your camera on your iPhone – or other device I guess.

Paul Boag
It’s on Android as well.

Leigh Howells
Yeah – at a font and take a snap and this app called What The Font? will identify for you. It’s like a Shazam for fonts, as Marcus called it earlier. Yeah so it’s very good.

Paul Boag
Which is amazing. It’s a little bit fiddlier than I thought it was going to be. You have to go through an identify the font, the letters. Like ‘this is an L’ and that kind of thing. Which is – I was expecting – you know, if I want magic, I want magic. No work on my part. But it was –

Leigh Howells
‘Now type in the name of the font. Correct!’ Oh it worked.

Paul Boag
No, but I tried it and it worked really well. And I even – I’ve taken a photograph off of my screen as well, it wasn’t printed, and it was at a bit of a dodgy angle, and it did it fine, yeah.

Marcus Lillington
And it made it up and you believed it.

Paul Boag
No, no, see – ah see, no, I was too clever for it. I took a photograph of the Boagworld website.

Marcus Lillington
Oh right, so you knew what it was.

Paul Boag
So I knew what the font was. And, yeah it worked first time. So really good little app.

Leigh Howells
You can use the website one as well, on myfonts.com. I think it’s the same thing. Because I used it for – I used it only last week to try and identify the font in an application we were doing. It didn’t get it.

Paul Boag
Great. Way to go to sell it there.

Leigh Howells
It came up with a few suggestions and I used a close one, but it couldn’t actually find the one…

Paul Boag
But oftentimes a closed one is enough, isn’t it?

Leigh Howells
Yeah, yeah. It was fine. It was close enough.

Paul Boag
Yeah, I’ve been really quite impressed, I think it’s a great little application, really useful. And it’s free, which is always a bargain. So go check it out, download it and your life will be fontastic.

Leigh Howells
That was a bit quick.

Marcus Lillington
I think it will be one of those things that I would probably just buy myself about it.

Paul Boag
Because I actually wrapped it up then, so we will now talk about it for another 10 minutes. Even though let’s face it, there’s nothing to say. It’s just an app that takes photographs and identifies fonts.

Marcus Lillington
It is a Shazam for phones. But that’s basically –

Leigh Howells
Yeah. It’s the kind of thing you should always have just in case. That moment arises in a meeting somewhere where people are arguing about fonts, you can pull it out and you can identify it.

Paul Boag
And you can look like the expert if you do it surreptitiously.

Leigh Howells
Yes, if you do it quietly and put in all the letter and then… ‘oh I have no connection!’

Paul Boag
What’s it called? WhatTheFont?

Marcus Lillington
WhatTheFont, I’ll just download that.

Paul Boag
Yeah, just see you’ve got it. It’s free, why not. You said you were going to say – you looked like you were going to say something profound about it.

Marcus Lillington
No. Goodness no.

Paul Boag
Okay, I thought – well, I can’t carry on talking, because the next part of the podcast traditionally is your joke.

Marcus Lillington
Oh yeah. Hang on a sec.

Paul Boag
We’ve got to wait in a podcast while Marcus downloads some software for himself. Could you not do this after this show? Would this not have been possible?

Marcus Lillington
I would have forgotten by the time I’ve walk down the stairs.

Leigh Howells
Oh here’s a recommendation.

Paul Boag
Hang on a minute, you can’t just add random recommendation thing.

Leigh Howells
No, it’s an iTunes, it’s an iTunes review of them, WhatTheFont. “Terrible package deal, useless and frustrating, does not identify connected letters, says so itself in the help. I can tell why it is free.” So there you go then, everybody can have this.

Paul Boag
People are so –

Leigh Howells
There you are, but all the rest are five stars.

Paul Boag
Yeah, the other one are great “excellent work.”

Marcus Lillington
You only read the bad one?

Leigh Howells
Well no I –

Paul Boag
He’s like that, he’s one of those people.

Leigh Howells
No, no, it’s like Amazon always present you with the best one and then the worst one, don’t they?

Paul Boag
Yes.

Leigh Howells
It’s always good to read both and get some ideas yourself of what’s in between..

Paul Boag
So when you read the terrible ones you can go ‘you annoying shit, you’re getting this free bit of software that by far the majority of the time works well.’

Marcus Lillington
There you go. Do you want to listen to the joke?

Paul Boag
Not really.

Marcus Lillington
It’s quite a long one as well.

Paul Boag
Oh is it? I just want to lie down.

Marcus Lillington
If you carry on talking I’ll find a short one.

Paul Boag
No no, let’s do the long one, I’m ready for –

Leigh Howells
Are you using the Boagworld App?

Paul Boag
Yes.

Marcus Lillington
It’s working beautifully because no one can remember any of them. They’re actually quite good these ones.

Leigh Howells
Can you add new ones in?

Marcus Lillington
I can’t.

Leigh Howells
Can you rate them? Can you rate the joke?

Paul Boag
You know, don’t – we’ve got – let’s not dwell on the Boagworld App, it needs a little bit of work. It needs updating for iOS–5 and I think I’ve – or 6, rather. And I think I’ve broken it as well when I updated the Boagworld website.

Leigh Howells
The iPhone 5 you mean?

Paul Boag
Yes.

Leigh Howells
Big screen, yeah yeah.

Paul Boag
Yes. And it’s not working properly on iOS–6 either.

Leigh Howells
Ah, okay.

Marcus Lillington
Seems okay on the iOS–6 here, but you know, whatever.

Paul Boag
Tom’s quite cross at me I think. I’m trying to avoid him.

Marcus Lillington
You’ve broken it, have you?

Paul Boag
I have.

Marcus Lillington
What’s – no I don’t want to know.

Paul Boag
No, you don’t want to know

Marcus Lillington
Oh interestingly Tom appears in the joke.

Paul Boag
Is it ‘the’ Tom?

Marcus Lillington
I don’t think so.

Paul Boag
How rude are you about this person before we..?

Marcus Lillington
Not particularly rude but he’s been in the liquor business for 25 years.

Paul Boag
So it’s probably not –

Marcus Lillington
And Tom is probably only about 25.

Paul Boag
So that’s from the moment he was born. Anyway can you get on with the joke?

Marcus Lillington
Tom has been in the liquor business for 25 years.

Paul Boag
Has he now?

Leigh Howells
Has he started now? Oh this is for joke, all right.

Paul Boag
Oh I remember this one.

Marcus Lillington
Do you?

Paul Boag
No I’m just messing with you.

Marcus Lillington
You probably will remember this one though, because it’s…

Paul Boag
Okay.

Leigh Howells
I’m going to try and listen this time.

Marcus Lillington
…it’s quite a good one. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys –

Paul Boag
Hang on a minute, why – a liquor job, why is that stressful?

Marcus Lillington
I don’t know, it’s irrelevant, it’s part of the story, all right.

Paul Boag
No, I want to know. You can’t – see now you’ve shattered my –

Marcus Lillington
That’s it I’m not reading it.

Leigh Howells
What’s liquor?

Paul Boag
Well, I was being carried along – alcohol. .

Marcus Lillington
Alcohol, Leigh.

Paul Boag
Yeah it’s an American joke.

Marcus Lillington
It’s relevant, because where he goes is in America, all right?

Paul Boag
Right. Perhaps in America working in a liquor store is stressful.

Marcus Lillington
It could be…

Leigh Howells
Yeah, because people will shoot you and things.

Paul Boag
They do, that’s true, all the time.

Leigh Howells
They shoot you all the time.

Marcus Lillington
What ‘sheet’ you? They make you into a ghost?

Leigh Howells
They ‘sheet’ you.

Paul Boag
No, he said shoot. I thought you said it rightly. Don’t listen to the nasty man – get on with the joke.

Leigh Howells
It’s because we’ve got a big sheet hanging up here.

Marcus Lillington
Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

Paul Boag
I feel like doing that most days.

Marcus Lillington
There we go, we can all relate to that, can’t we?

Paul Boag
Yeah.

Leigh Howells
Yes.

Marcus Lillington
Anyway he sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month, otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation someone knocks on his door. I’m not going to do any accents because that would make this even more embarrassing.

Paul Boag
Leo Laporte tried to get me to do an American accent on his show after he completely bastardized the British accent. It was appalling.

Marcus Lillington
Annihilated it, yeah. Your American would be better than his English every time.

Paul Boag
I could not – it sounded like, what’s his name, Van Dyke from – but on some kind of hallucinogenic…

Marcus Lillington
‘Cor blimey, Mary Poppins!’

Paul Boag
Right, yeah.

Leigh Howells
Like a Cockney accent, yeah.

Paul Boag
Anyway, I refused –

Leigh Howells
It has to be specifically an Alaskan accent, which is probably slightly different. Different region of –

Paul Boag
Well I just got to think about that, who’s that weird Republican woman?

Marcus Lillington
I always think I know these things but I don’t know.

Leigh Howells
Tighter lipped, it should be cold..

Marcus Lillington
Oh yeah, strange Republican woman. Yeah but – what was her name?

Leigh Howells
I don’t know, she was popular at one point.

Marcus Lillington
Anyway, come on let’s finish the joke.

Paul Boag
Sarah Palin.

Marcus Lillington
That’s it yeah. So, after six months or so of almost total isolation someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from 40 miles up the road. Having a New Year’s eve party Monday night, thought you might would like to come, about 5 o’clock.” “Great!” says Tom “after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks, thank you.” As Lars is leaving he stops. “Got to warn you, there’ll be some drinking.” “No problem,” says Tom, “after 25 years in the business I can drink with the best of them.” Again the big man starts to leave and stops. “More than likely going to be some fighting too”. That’s my West Country.

Leigh Howells
It’s becoming more West Country as you go on.

Marcus Lillington
That’s Cornwall isn’t it? Oh dear, yes I feel so much more comfortable now, in Cornwall. He says “there’s going to be some fighting too.” “Uhm, well, I get along with people” says Tom. “I’ll be all right, I’ll be there. Thanks again.” “More than likely be some wild sex too.” Now that’s really –

Leigh Howells
Not in Cornwall.

Marcus Lillington
Not in Cornwall – “now that’s really not a problem” says Tom, warming to the idea,
I’ve been alone for six months, I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear? “Don’t much matter, just going to be the two of us.”

Paul Boag
That is good, I liked that joke, that’s very funny.

Leigh Howells
That was worth waiting for.

Paul Boag
Well done, even though we ruined it by talking all the way through. Thank you very much, Marcus, for your wonderful joke, thank you Leigh for joining us…

Leigh Howells
I love to.

Paul Boag
…and getting us going a little bit more, because I –

Leigh Howells
Really?

Paul Boag
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Leigh Howells
You’re very tired both of you, that’s why. You’ve got your energy drink.

Paul Boag
Yeah. Apparently I’m not allowed that. I love the way Marcus just sits here making notes all through the podcast. Anyway thank you very much for listening, we will return again next week with – I could even say what next week’s apps are. Already.

Marcus Lillington
No I don’t believe you.

Paul Boag
I’m going to commit myself.

Marcus Lillington
Okay.

Paul Boag
No, I haven’t got them, I lied. I thought I had but I don’t.

Marcus Lillington
Oh that’s just bad.

Paul Boag
I thought it was true! I want to lie down.

Marcus Lillington
Can’t you make it up?

Leigh Howells
Just make something up now.

Paul Boag
The pressure is too much, I’m sorry. I’m going now. Bye.

Marcus Lillington
Bye.

This ridiculously challenging transcription was achieved by Pods In Print

Headscape

Boagworld