This week on the Boagworld show we celebrate the festive season by taking nine web experts and utterly humiliating them in our Christmas quiz.
Paul: That was Andy Clarke and Marcus Lillington singing Wonderwall and you are listening to Boagworld.com, the podcast about all aspects of digital design, development and strategy. This is our Christmas special.
Andy: God, you recorded that you bastard!
Paul: Of course I flipping did! That’s how the show is going to start. What a more Christmassy start can you get than Wonderwall. And Tera is back in the room as well. Hello Tera. And… Silence from Tera. So this is going to be a somewhat chaotic episode. We have absolutely loads of people in the room today from Andy Clarke who you have already heard, Marcus Lillington who you have heard playing guitar. We’ve got Ryan Taylor, Sam Barnes, Brett Harned, we’ve got Leigh Howells we’ve got Tera. We’ve got everybody in the room. We are going to be joined later by Drew and Rachel. So yes, it’s a bit of chaotic show. It’s the last in the season and we thought we would open it up to whoever wants to join us and participate. So what we going to do in this show, as it’s a Christmas special, it is going to be vaguely linked to the topic of digital design and that kind of stuff but not really. We are going to have a quiz, right, and the winner of this quiz, the winning team of the quiz because we going to have three teams. You are in three teams.
Marcus: Thank God for that!
Paul: Oh no, you’ve still got individual questions you have got to answer. So the winning team is the only people at the end of the show that get to pimp their stuff. So if you don’t win you don’t get to get hired for 2017. That’s it, your career is ruined!
Sam: Hang on, I’ve got a full-time job here! This is a void quiz.
Paul: All right, but you can pimp a charity may be? Something about cats normally with you.
Sam: Definitely about a cat! Yeah.
Paul: You know what, people who support Charities for cats… I…
Marcus: Don’t go there, don’t go there! Paul.
Paul: You are dead to me Sam. You’re dead to me.
Andy: Where do you stand on gorillas?
Marcus: On their stomachs.
Sam: Oh, you started early. (Laughter)
Paul: This is terrible… Bad
Andy: Who gets to pick the teams? Or can we pick who we want to be in our teams?
Paul: No, no, no. After being traumatised at school for being the last to be picked I’ve decided that I’m just taking control of this particular issue and I’m deciding on who the teams are. So, we have the following teams, are we ready for this? Oh, apparently Leigh can only hear me!
Marcus: I’m getting “ A VoIP connection to Leigh has failed, retrying”.
Paul: Oh, poor old Leigh. I should leave Leigh and come back. Everybody is having problems today. Oh Sam can hear everybody. All right, well while people are working out what’s going on in the room let’s introduce the teams. So here we go, first of all… This shows how professional this show is going to be… not only do we have some people who can’t hear half of what’s going on, we also have Sam who is very ill. So a big Ahh for Sam everybody, Ahhh. It’s just me and Marcus, nobody else gives a shit about you Sam. (Laughter) We’ve also got two people missing at the moment which is Rachel Andrew and Drew McLellan who are going to be joining us once they get out of the M25. So here are our three teams. Team number one, Andy Clarke
Marcus: Captain Andy.
Paul: No, I didn’t say Captain. That’s it. Anyway he’s in a team by himself because no one else would be on a team with him.
Andy: I want to be on the team with Rachel because she knows everything.
Paul: Well, you’re lucky because you are. So number two in your team is Rachel Andrew, who is not here!
Marcus: Just a little technical hitch there.
Andy: It started well.
Paul: It’s going to go all right. Team number three for you is Marcus Lillington.
Andy: Yes, oh, it’s my dream team!
Paul: What more could you need.
Andy: There’s nowt that I would want more.
Paul: Okay, team number two is team captain on this, why not, he is the first on the list, team number two is being led by Sam Barnes.
Paul: So who would be your dream team, tell me.
Sam: Umm, I would take…
Marcus: Andy Clarke and Marcus Lillington!
Sam: No, no I need some more youth in the side. For that reason I would go Tera and I think would go Leigh.
Leigh: Yeah, that’s youth, yeah! (Strange noise that sounded like a party blower)
Paul: What the hell, what was that scream!?
Leigh: That was my party horn. (Laughter)
Andy: I don’t want to know about your horn! (Horn)
Paul: Oh, that’s good. Well you have got one out of two. So which would you prefer out of Leigh and Tera?
Marcus: That’s mean.
Sam: Well after Leigh’s comment, I’ll take Tera.
Paul: Right, well unfortunately you’ve got Leigh.
Sam: Okay, well welcome to you mate.
Paul: And then as well as Leigh you have Ryan.
Sam: Okay, that’s good.
Paul: ?ave you met Ryan before, by the way?
Sam: No, no. I think we’ve kind of spoke on Twitter once or something but that’s it.
Paul: Ryan are you with us?
Ryan: Yeah I am, I’m here.
Paul: He’s just being quiet.
Ryan: It’s just that there’s so many people. I’m being a wallflower.
Paul: Have you gone all shy? Ahh.
Ryan: Do you know what I was doing Paul? I was actually doing a bit of preparation for you, I was looking for a cracker sound for you for when we tell all those jokes.
Paul: Oh, I see. I should have done that shouldn’t I.
Leigh: I’ve got a party horn.
Marcus: How does that go Leigh?
Leigh: How does it go? Oh, I’ve got press buttons at the same time… Oh it’s not working… (Horn noise) Yea!
Paul: I’ve got this for jokes. (Symbol and drum noise)
Marcus: Yeah, perfect.
Paul: There you go see. Okay, and then our final team is being led by Drew who is not here. So that’s a good start. (Old car horn noise) Stop it! The two people that are supporting Drew are Brett, Hello Brett.
Paul: So you’ve got no team leader at the moment, I hope you’re okay with that.
Brett: That’s great because I also know nothing. So we’re doing really well.
Paul: But on the upside you’re paired with Tera so that’s good.
Brett: That’s great, hi Tera.
Tera: I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
Paul: Well at least you’re from the same side of the Atlantic.
Tera: Oh, that’s the only reason that we are together.
Paul: Do you know, I hadn’t thought of it. That’s very true. So you are the US team. So you have got a whole nation to stand for. I hope you’re ready for that. Okay, are we ready people? No.
Leigh: We are ready.
Brett: We are ready.
Paul: Nobody is ready
Tera: Let’s do this.
Paul: So, round one. This round is for Andy Clarke’s team.
Marcus: We’ve got to wait for Rachel to get here!
Marcus: We will be rubbish without her!
Paul: No, we will come back to Rachel it’s fine!
Andy: We will try our best.
Paul: We will try our best, right. Okay. Andy you get the very first question, all right? These questions are built around your specialist subjects, okay? So I know how much of a fan you are of caban agile. (Laughter)
Marcus: It’s not pronounced that way is it? (Laughter)
Sam: Oh, Kanban!
Paul: Caban, that’s right isn’t it? Have I got that wrong?
Sam: Yeah, no! It’s wrong, Kanban!
Paul: What is it then? Caravan.
Leigh: You to know all about caravans Paul.
Paul: That’s honestly how I thought you pronounced it. That was real ignorance not entertainment ignorance! How was it really said then?
Sam: Yeah, kanban! That’s how I know it.
Paul: kanban? Have I missed…
Sam: You’ve missed a letter.
Paul: I’ve missed a letter!
Leigh: Is that one point to Andy? (Laughter)
Sam: Yes, definitely.
Paul: No, it’s –10 points to me. Right, so Andy in which country did Kanban agile methodology originate? No googling! Have a guess.
Andy: I am going to say… Kazakhstan
Paul: Is that your final… will… You’re not taking this seriously are you! Do you want another go?
Andy: Let me have a think. Let me have a think.
Paul: No, no googling. No Wikipedia-ing.
Andy: Is it… Uzbekistan? (Laughter)
Paul: No. You have failed. Does anyone for a bonus point want to answer that question without googling.
Sam: Is it Japan?
Paul: That’s one point for Sam Barnes. Well done Sam (general congratulations) One point to Sam, well done Sam.
Sam: Thank you.
Paul: Okay, right, before we move onto the next we need to pause momentarily to have a joke. Between each question is a joke. If I like the joke you get another point. Brett you get the advantage of having the first joke.
Brett: Okay, I have a joke. Why did The Paul Boag cross the road?
Paul: I immediately don’t like this joke. (Laughter) Go on, why did The Paul Boag cross the road?
Brett: To write another boring blog post!
Paul: Okay, –10 for Brett’s team. (Laughter) All right, that’s fine. Okay! I should have pointed out that my decisions are final in this quiz. Just so that we know.
Brett: P.S. I love you Paul! (Laughter)
Paul: Okay, five points back for saying you loved me.
Tera: You’re the best Paul!
Paul: No, Tera that boat sailed Tera, that’s too late!
Andy: Is this show called pointless?
Paul: Is that a real show, isn’t it?
Andy: It is actually a real show, not that I have ever seen it.
Paul: No, neither have I.
Ryan: I’ve always loved that the celebrity version of that show is called “Pointless celebrities”. And when it comes on you don’t recognise any of them. So it’s so true!
Sam: There you go.
Paul: Perfectly put. Okay. Marcus you are up next are you ready?
Marcus: Err, yeah.
Paul: Right, specialist subject again. What does SQL stand for?
Marcus: God, I don’t know! I am,… Secret Queens lavatory.
Paul: No. No, that’s incorrect.
Marcus: It’s sequential something isn’t it?
Paul: Now, I was going to get… Tera reckons she can answer this one so as you are a project manager Tera and it’s not your specialist… No Ryan, I’m not coming to you. Because this is your area.
Marcus: I can’t think what Q is. What’s the Q? I’ve got the other two.
Paul: Go on then, what’s the other two.
Marcus: Is it sequential?
Andy: Tera: No! No!
Marcus: It’s a language.
Paul: So, language you’ve got right. Tera go for it.
Tera: Self Qualified Lead
Paul: Self qualified lead! (Laughter)
Tera: It does mean that in my world!
Leigh: Maybe it means that as well.
Paul: I’m sure it does mean that as well but that is not the version I am looking for.
Andy: Is it sounding quite loud? (Laughter)
Paul: No, no. Okay. Ryan I will allow you, as everybody else is being so shit at this you can answer this one. What does SQL stand for?
Ryan: Structured Querying Language.
Paul: Yes, one point for Ryan, there we go. Okay we can’t do Rachel so we will come back to Rachel. But what we need now is a joke from Tera.
Tera: Oo, okay. What did…
Paul: Now bearing in mind… Sorry I didn’t mean to interrupt you I just wanted to explain that we had to explain what a cracker joke was to Tera. So if she doesn’t get it hundred percent right just understand that she is American and she can’t help it.
Tera: I also recommend don’t ever, ever Google “What is a cracker joke?”.
Paul: Now I’ve got to!
Tera: All right, are you ready? What did Santa say to the smoker?
Paul: What did Santa say to the smoker?
Tera: Please don’t smoke it’s bad for my elf!
Paul: That’s quite good actually. I’m going to give you a point for that Tera
Paul: There we go. Okay. So that’s that round done for now because we can’t do Rachel so will have to come back to Rachel. Right, we’re going to stop briefly were going to talk about… This is such a terrible show. I’m going to talk about one of our…
Leigh: You can’t do an advert! There’s a quiz going on here.
Paul: No but we have to have breaks. This is where you go to the bar. If it was a pub quiz would go to the bar now.
Leigh: We had two questions and then a break! Oh dear!
Paul: Well I can’t help it, it should have been three questions. Marcus play some music while I do the sponsor slot.
Andy: The way this show is going the adverts might be the most entertaining bit! (Laughter)
Paul: This sounded so good in my head! You’re ruining this show. I’m upset now, I’m going to cry. Let me quickly do a sponsor. And I want to do the sponsors because they’ve supported every single episode of this season you miserable shits, all of you. So, Videoblocks… I feel like the music that we have behind us should be like, what was that thing that Simon Mayo used to do on radio one, confessions or, no, the guy who used to do the really sad music about some dying child.
Andy: (hums some sad music)
Marcus: Sad, very sad.
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Andy: Was that stairway to heaven I heard in the background?
Marcus: No, but I could do that if you want it.
Paul: Go on then, give us some stairway to heaven. I’m so glad I got you at the beginning of the show Andy, that was just brilliant! (Guitar music playing)
Andy: I wish I could play guitar. It would be lovely to be able to do that.
Paul: I wish I had talent! Yeah, don’t all rush! (Laughter)
Marcus: Last time I played that I was probably 15.
Andy: Did you ever play the album backwards?
Marcus: Of course!
Andy: Of course you did! (Silly noises) My sweet Satan…
Marcus: Yes, something like that!
Paul: What!! What are you talking about?
Andy: If you play… Go on Marcus
Marcus: If you play stairway to heaven backwards, I can’t… It’s somewhere in the 12 minutes or however long it goes on for. If you play it backwards it says something like “I love the devil” or something like that.
Andy: It says “ooh, my sweet Satan”
Marcus: Oh, there you go.
Paul: There we go. Fascinating. Okay, round two. Sam…
Paul: Are you ready?
Sam: I’m ready.
Paul: How you feeling mate.
Sam: I’m ready for this question. Let’s do this.
Paul: Have you got any drugs in your system?
Sam: I’ve got way too many!
Paul: Good, that’s what I like to hear. Right, your specialist subject. Now remember that my decision is final. This one is not a black and white one so I make the call on this one. What is the difference between progressive enhancement and graceful degradation.
Sam: Err, graceful degradation is when the browser supports less the website is still functional.
Paul: Mm Hmm, and progressive enhancement?
Sam: As the browser versions become more modern, let’s say, for want of a better example, you get extra functionality or asthetics.
Paul: Ooo, he’s taking this very seriously.
Sam: I’m just too ill. I just want to get through this!
Paul: You just want to win! You just want to make it to the end of the show! Sam, that’s not just you, we all feel like that.
Paul: Okay. I’m going to put this out to vote… No I’m not! Because if you’re not on his team you’re not going to support him. Yes, that’s close enough for me. An extra point for you Sm Barnes, well done. And you know what, an extra point for just being here.
Sam: Yay, this quiz is easy.
Andy: This quiz is rigged.
Paul: Yes Andy, there is no way you are going to win. Oh sorry, what I meant to say is there’s no way Brett is going to win.
Marcus: Hundred extra points for playing stairway to heaven, I reckon.
Sam: Umm, I don’t know. That was satanic wasn’t it?
Paul: Yes, good point. –5 points to Marcus. –5, there we go. Okay, I don’t approve of such things! Okay, Andy your turn at a joke. Impress me.
Andy: Ooo, oh God, I had one on the tip of my tongue.
Paul: You must have prepared one.
Andy: Did I prepare one?
Paul: You had one job to do Andy!.
Andy: Okay, okay. What did Father Christmas do when he went speed dating?
Paul: What did Father Christmas do and he went speed dating?
Andy: He pulled a cracker!
Sam: How does that sound to you Tera?
Tera: I don’t even know what that means (laughter)
Paul: And for that reason alone, +5 points to Andy.
Tera: Oh, come on!
Paul: He referred,… No, no… He not only referred to crackers which are quintessentially English he also referred to Father Christmas and not Santa Claus. So he gets five points for that.
Andy: Of course!
Paul: Okay, where are we at? Who’s next? Are you all feeling tension?
Andy: We are, it’s Leigh.
Leigh: I’m quite nervous now.
Paul: It’s Ryan next. Ryan, no googling on this one you’re on the honour system.
Ryan: The honour system?
Paul: Are you very honourable?
Ryan: I like to think so.
Paul: So, you like to think of yourself as a little bit of a front end dev. whiz don’t you?
Ryan: I don’t think I’d use those terms but yeah, I’m not that bad.
Paul: Okay. What year was the web standard movement formed?
Paul: 2001. Marcus, you knew other people’s questions in advance so you don’t get to answer this. We talk talked about this drunkenly over the Headscape Christmas party so…
Andy: I know! I know!
Paul: Do we allow… Go on then, go on then.
Marcus: I think we should yeah.
Paul: Go on then Andy. If you get it wrong, mind, it’s going to be minus points.
Andy: It was 1998.
Paul: Andy is spot on.
Andy: Oh yes!
Paul: Oh yes! You get a point Andy. And I’m sorry Ryan you don’t.
Ryan: I was 14 back then I couldn’t be bothered with the web.
Paul: Oh for crying out loud! You weren’t!
Sam: Come on, great answer. Points!
Ryan: 1998 I was 14.
Paul: –5 points for Ryan.
Ryan: Maybe 15.
Paul: Ah, that’s terrible. Andy, how old were you in 1998?
Marcus: I know. (Laughter)
Paul: Go on, how old was Andy? In 1998?.
Marcus: Andy was 32.
Andy: I was… Was I, I was, I was 32.
Paul: You were over double Ryan’s age.
Andy: Does that mean I can be Ryan’s dad!
Andy: Technically! I could put him over my knee. Well I’ll go to the foot of our stairs.
Ryan: As odd as I would that look. A 33-year-old bent over your knee. That would be very odd. And I’m a father of three.
Andy: It’s been done before.
Paul: I don’t want to know!
Ryan: That’s what worries me.
Paul: Isn’t that amazing though. I was quite shocked when I found that out. 1998. I was like you Ryan I thought it was early 2000’s but these guys were really ahead of the game. I didn’t even find out about CSS until 2004, something like that. Well I knew about it vaguely but not to use it.
Andy: we started our new business in 1998.
Paul: I got married in 1998.
Andy: Hey, did I ever tell you the story about me first reading designing with Web standards?
Andy: This is a bit of a confession thing. But I’d spent about a year learning CSS layouts before anybody was really talking about it. You know, those really early CSS stuff like blue robots and Eric Costello making all these absolutely positioned layout. And I spent a whole year pretty much on my own learning how to write HTML and do CSS layouts. And then I went to the bookshop in Cheshire Oaks near Chester one day and I found designing with Web standards which had just come out. And I was like “oh shit” because all the stuff that I had been learning was in the book. I was thinking “I don’t want everybody to learn this, really easily”. So I bought a copy, obviously. And then I took the remaining five or six copies that were in the shop and I hid them around the shop behind “Rose pruning for beginners” so that my local web dev competitors wouldn’t find it.
Paul: That is sad.
Andy: It was.
Paul: I bought it by accident. We were working for the National Trust at the time. We were working on the National trust site and they had said to us as we were doing the initial build. “You are going to make this accessible aren’t you?” And I was like “Yes”. And I knew nothing about accessibility at the time and so I went back and it was like, “Shit I need to find out about this. Work out how to do it.” For some reason when I searched on accessibility I got designing with Web standards so I bought that book thinking it was a book about accessibility. And that changed everything. I bet Ryan, did you ever actually work with table-based design?
Ryan: Well, this is… I started learning how to build websites through Dreamweaver’s built-in tutorial. Which was table based.
Paul: Oh yeah? Okay so you did do.
Ryan: So I started playing around with that and Paul Stanton passed me CSS mastery, Andy Budd’s book.
Paul: Right, yes. And you went from there.
Ryan: And I went from there. So I never built a website for anybody but I started learning with tables and then went “Oh, this is all right, this is how you line everything up” and then CSS just changed everything.
Paul: I remember Leigh, you were not happy about moving across to CSS where you?
Leigh: No, it was a bit of shock to the system. Because you tried to change everything overnight and I didn’t know what was happening. And I’m still not entirely sure what is happening, but I’m getting there.
Paul: Me? Just changing things overnight? That doesn’t sound like me.
Leigh: Yes suddenly there was a phone call, we all had this kind of conference call and you confused us all. “What are you talking about?!”
Paul: It was fine! Alright Leigh, your question. As you’re such a web design expert. When did you start designing websites Leigh?
Leigh: Err, 1994? (General intake of breath)
Paul: Crikey, that’s the same year as me. Wow, this will be easy then.
Ryan: I was 11 then.
Paul: Oh shut up! Will you stop doing that. (Laughter)
Tera: I was 14.
Paul: You were 14… Oh. Just so depressing. Okay, Leigh. In this one you’re just going to spout it out straightaway. What is the hex value for red?
Leigh: Err, FF 0000?
Paul: Spot on!
Paul: Good one. I thought that might trip you up to be honest because I can never remember hex values. So you’ve definitely…
Leigh: I use that all the time!
Paul: Do you really? Oh, there you go. It was an easy one then.
Leigh: I always draw lines around my floats with the red line. So I do that every day.
Paul: Oh, of course! I just always typing red, mind, when I do that.
Ryan: cc 0000 is a nicer shade though.
Paul: Oh, just show off.
Leigh: No, I prefer the brighter shade of the F’s myself. Each to their own!
Andy: What a fascinating conversation.
Paul: This is what we’ve come to. Gore. Okay, Marcus, it’s your turn for a joke mate.
Marcus: Sorry, I was playing my guitar. Put it down.
Paul: Were we boring you?
Marcus: No, I just thought maybe a little bit of twiddling in the background wouldn’t hurt. I’ve told this joke before on a Christmas show I’m sure but this is my favourite Christmas joke so it had to come out again. Hang on, get to the top. So, there were three guys who all died on Christmas Eve and went to heaven. St Peter at the Pearly Gates said since you all died on Christmas Eve you’ve all got to show me something that represents Christmas. So the first guy puts his hand in his pocket and pulled out a lighter, lights it and says “candle”. St Peter said “There are candles for Christmas so you can go in”. The second guy pulls out a set of keys and shakes them and says “Bells”. St Peter said “Yes, there are bells at Christmas so you can go in”. The third guy is turning out his pockets, he’s turned them inside out. “Well” said St Peter. So the guy put his hand deep in his coat pocket and pulled out a pair of knickers. St Peter says “What do they have to do with Christmas” and the guy says “Oh, these are carols”. (Laughter)
Paul: Do you know, I really like that one Marcus. I’m going to give you five whole points for that one.
Marcus: And to the Americans, knickers are ladies underwear. In American?! In English. Knickers mean like, Plusfours in America. Like weird old-fashioned trouser type things I believe.
Paul: Do they really? Like knickerbockers.
Marcus: Yes, that sort of thing.
Paul: Just so you know Marcus you are now up to 0 points.
Andy: Yes! We have clawed it back.
Paul: Okay, right. So we’ve got another sponsored slot but luckily this one is a pre-recorded one so Leigh won’t have to sit through the thing. Because we don’t want Leigh to be inconvenienced in any way. Honestly! So, this is Vivaldi and it is Molly. It’s nice to have Molly on the show if only virtually. So this is Molly talking about Vivaldi browser. Go Molly!
Paul: So you can find out more about the Vivaldi browser by going to Boag.world/betterbrowser. Okay, how we doing guys? Round three. Starts with Drew who is not here. Great! This show is just going…
Ryan: It’s going swimmingly well Paul.
Paul: This is the worst podcast I think I have ever done!
Marcus: Shall I give you the four stages of life?
Paul: I thought you were going to give me the stages of grief, I think I could do with those! Go on then.
Marcus: Ñumber one, you believe in Father Christmas. Number two, you don’t believe in Father Christmas. Number three, you are Father Christmas. Number four, you look like Father Christmas.
Paul: That’s actually quite good.
Andy: How old were your kids before they stopped believing in Father Christmas?
Marcus: I can’t remember, it was so long ago. They were probably sort of six, seven, eight. That sort of age.
Andy: Really?! Oh, Alex was 22! (Laughter)
Paul: He’s going to love you!
Andy: No, there is a funny story about it though because he was about. When he was going to high school, so how old would he have been? About 11. And we had still done all of the Christmas traditions. He’s going to kill me for telling you about this.
Paul: What is his Twitter ID so people can mock him afterwards?
Andy: He is @beardyscientist.
Paul: There you go, so you can tell him that his dad has just humiliated him on a podcast. Carry on.
Andy: We thought, we can’t send to high school believing in Father Christmas. His life will be made a misery. So we sat him down one day going “Alex is something we need to tell you about Christmas. It’s just that Father Christmas doesn’t exist”. And he was like, “You’re telling me this now! I’ve known for years. I’ve known for years because about two years ago Father Christmas came into my room on Christmas Eve to deliver the stocking and he said words that Father Christmas shouldn’t say.” And what he’d done, I remember this now, what is done, because for years and years and years and years and years he had this great big stocking that we would fill with presents and he’d have his kind of “Keep quiet in the bedroom until some sensible hour”, and then the presents under the tree. And I would go into his room at like half twelve or midnight, whatever, and deliver this stocking and then when he’d wake up and Ho Ho Ho, Father Christmas had been. Except that when he was figuring out whether or not Father Christmas did or did not exist, because obviously he didn’t want to think that he didn’t exist in case he didn’t come, rights. So what the little bastard did was he booby-trapped the room. So he puts like Lego and toy trucks and all this kind of stuff between the door and where the stocking hangs and of course Father Christmas goes in there stands on some Tonka toy goes “Shit!” And the illusion was shattered from that point.
Paul: Gave it away! Ryan, do you dress up for your little ones?
Paul: No, no!? Ahh. So they must still believe mind? They’re little-uns.
Ryan: Well Jack’s started trying to catch me out.
Paul: Oh has he?
Ryan: So he’s like, he’s trying to figure out “Why are there presents under the tree if Santa Claus brings them?” Well, they’re presents for other people. And he says “Right, but why isn’t Santa Claus taking it to them?” I say “Well he comes here first, picks up the presents then takes them to other people. Where would you put all the presents if he had to store them himself. he would have to have a big warehouse wouldn’t he?” and he’s going “Yes, that makes sense, okay”. So I’m like frantically making up lies.
Paul: You will get to the point where you will just say “Well, if you don’t want to believe in him that’s fine but he isn’t going to turn up!” That prolongs it for a couple of years, you know, it’s not worth the risk is it?
Ryan: Now we’ve got to make sure he doesn’t spoil it for his sisters.
Paul: Ah, yeah.
Ryan: Because his little sister is four years younger than him and his baby sister is eight years younger than him so gotta make sure… We gotta keep him up the illusion. So eventually I’m gonna have to get him on board so he can become a co-conspirator. Which he will love. He loves shit like that.
Paul: Oh, absolutely. Yeah, yeah. That’ll be good. Okay. Let’s do another question. Brett, it’s your turn mate, are you ready?
Brett: Oh boy. Okay.
Paul: No, it’s fine. It’s fine, it’s a nice easy one.
Andy: It needs to be for Americans.
Ryan: There’s a lot of racism on this show! I think it’s disgusting to be honest.
Paul: Well the collective IQ of the entire country must have taken a dive after November 9 or whatever it was.
Ryan: Didn’t 50% of the country though vote the other way. More or less.
Paul: Yeah, something like that.
Andy: I’m sure Tera really wants to talk about Trump don’t you Tera?
Tera: I do not want to talk about Trump.
Paul: Why is Tera in particular. Why not Brett? Is Brett a huge Trump supporter then?
Brett: Oh my gosh, no.! I can’t believe you would ever say that. (Laughter)
Paul: well of course the great thing is is that you are helping to raise the average IQ of the UK as well because now you’ve got Nigel Farage moving out to live with you. You don’t even know who is do you?
Brett: Yeah, come on. I read the news. What about that question, no more politics!
Marcus: Well said!
Brett: Get this over with.
Paul: Okay, sorry. Sorry, sorry Brett, sorry. As of September 16 Chrome, unsurprisingly, is the most popular browser. But by what percentage do you think it leads over the competition? So how many percentage points is it above the next browser? Which I’ll even tell you is Safari.
Brett: Safari is the next one?
Brett: Umm, I don’t know. 10%
Paul: 10%. Anybody else want to have a go at that question?
Marcus: I know.
Sam: I was thinking 30.
Andy: I was going to say 30.
Paul: 30, anybody else. Whoever is closest to get the point.
Leigh: Is it 40?
Marcus: Is it 47?
Paul: Oh shut up Marcus. Oh that’s ruined it. Leigh, you get the point Leigh, you get the point. That was pretty close it is 47%. That is amazing! (General incredulity)
Leigh: That is amazing.
Brett: I have learnt something today, thank you Paul.
Ryan: I don’t think I’m going to do cross browser testing any more.
Andy: That is absolutely staggering really, isn’t it? When you think what domination IE had for all those years.
Paul: Yeah, it’s nowhere.
Paul: Even though it’s pre-installed on every version of Windows. It’s really weird. Really weird. Okay, Leigh. Your joke. Are you ready?
Leigh: Well, I’ve been trying to find a joke better than Marcus’s, but I have failed. So, back to the backup joke. “How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lbs 6oz when he was born?”
Andy: Oh, I know this one.
Leigh: They had a way (Weigh) in a manger. (Laughter)
Paul: I like that one! Leigh! You can definitely have a point.
Leigh: Wow, it got laughs! That’s amazing!
Paul: That’s good, right. Okay, so our last person in attendance is Tera.
Tera: Okay, let’s do this.
Paul: You’re good at CSS right?
Tera: Oh yeah, totally.!
Paul: Okay, this is good then. Have you actually ever done CSS.?
Tera: Err, for one class in college.
Paul: Oh, perfect. This is a perfect question for you then. Okay, which of the following CSS values represents the left margin. All right? So it’s margin:, five pixels, 10 pixels, three pixels, eight pixels. Out of those four variables in the value which one is the left margin? I will read them again. In this order, margin:, five pixels, 10 pixels, three pixels, eight pixels.
Tera: Err, five pixels.
Paul: Is the wrong answer. Okay, we’ve got Ryan and Andy both after the answer for this question. Brett, what do you think?
Brett: I wasn’t even paying attention. (Laughter)
Paul: Okay you don’t get the point then. Marcus…
Marcus: It’s got to be eight.
Paul: Spot on!
Marcus: Get in!
Paul: Well done. But that gives a point for Marcus then. Well done Marcus. You’re flying back. You’re doing great now that’s good. Okay, so our last joke comes from Ryan. Hello Ryan how are you? Are you ready with a cracker of a joke for us?
Ryan: Sure, okay. Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
Paul: Go on then. Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
Ryan: Because he had low elf-esteem.
Andy: You slay me with that one!
Paul: Okay, –1 to Andy and +1 Ryan. I thought it was a very valiant attempt.
Andy: Were are we all getting our joke… We all getting jokes from the same website?
Paul: Are you all just googling cracker jokes !? (General indignation) Oh, Gore, this is such a depressing show.
Marcus: I’ve got another one I like.
Paul: Go on then Marcus.
Marcus: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Paul: Ahh, I like that. That’s quite edgy. You get a point for that.
Leigh: You don’t wear a suit though Marcus.
Marcus: Ha ha! (Laughter)
Paul: And that’s an extra point for Leigh. Right, now we have two questions that are obviously Rachel and Drews that haven’t turned up. So basically what we going to do is Andy and Marcus, right, you have to decide between you which of you is going to answer Rachel’s question.
Marcus: I go for Andy.
Andy: Oh God. Okay, I’ll do it. Go on.
Marcus: I’ve done more jokes.
Paul: Actually, that was a very good choice. Andy. We’ll see if Marcus can answer it first but his answer doesn’t count. It will be yours that counts. Right, Marcus what is the difference between a widow and an orphan?
Marcus: Umm, I’ve heard the terms used but I don’t know. Give it to Andy.
Paul: Andy, go for it.
Andy: I don’t think there is a difference between a widow and orphan. If you’re talking about typography then it just refers to a single word on its own, lonesome on a line. And I think that the term’s widow and orphan are fairly interchangeable.
Paul: I’m sorry according to…
Leigh: Isn’t one hyphenated?
Paul: No. Go on keep going.
Leigh: Who, me? (Laughter)
Marcus: Just say anything Leigh!
Leigh: I’ve finished. Well, it’s when two words are on it’s… out on their own so that must be an orphan. No? a single lettered word?
Leigh: I’m just guessing at things! You don’t get many sentences ending with in A or an I. You could…
Paul: Now, I’ve got to say, I kind of… Andy I thought the same as you. I thought they were fairly interchangeable but they’re not. An orphan is where you get a single word left on a line. Okay, we all know that one. But a widow, apparently is where a sentence carries on to the next page.
Andy: So you are really thinking about print more than you are web then. So I suppose it’s to do with the flow of a page in let’s say in design, something like that.
Paul: Yes, Yes
Leigh: Oh, interesting.
Paul: So, I’m sorry but nobody gets that one. I learnt something new with that one.
Andy: I come to the show and there’s so much that I’ve learnt today. This is…
Paul: You see, this is a very educational Christmas special.
Sam: Yes, very educational.
Paul: Yeah, see! Okay so who else are we missing? Drew we are missing. So that’s team, who’s in Drew’s team? That’s Brett and Tera. You need to decide which of the two of you are going to answer a question that I would have given to Drew.
Tera: Not it! (Laughter)
Paul: Looks like that falls to you then Brett.
Brett: Let’s start talking about politics again. (Laughter) Just kidding!
Paul: Right, name five design techniques. So five ways, design techniques makes it sound a bit posh. But five ways you could draw a users eye to a specific screen element. Give us five different ways you can make someone look at something on the screen.
Brett: One, make the logo bigger.
Paul: Size, yes.
Brett: Umm, you can add a text link to something right?
Paul: Hmmm…mmmm. I’m not going to give you that one. That’s okay you can keep going.
Brett: A button.
Paul: A button, that’s, yes, styling I suppose both link and button would be styling. Yes that’s fair enough.
Brett: Okay, you could… Use negative space.
Paul: White space, negative space. Yes absolutely, spot-on.
Paul: Symmetry I will count as positioning, yes. You’re doing well you’ve got one more to get.
Brett: How many is that? Oh, one more, okay. How about animation.
Paul: Animation. Five spot on. Yes, blink tag, as Andy put in the notes. That’s very good, well done.
Brett: I’m not as dumb as you thought! (Laughter)
Tera: Silly American!
Paul: It’s the… Oh no. Don’t make me sound so bad, I was trying to be encouraging. It’s not my fault I’m British and everything I say sounds sarcastic!
Brett: Hey, I deserve it after that cracker joke.
Paul: Yes, that’s true. Okay, so the winning team. In last place is Brett and Tera…
Paul: …with –3 points. Now that was largely to do with the –5 I gave Brett right at the beginning!
Brett: For the best joke in the whole thing.
Tera: I thought like he should have got five points for getting five points right so…
Paul: No, no. I’m sorry, don’t argue with the judge. No you got minus… –3. Okay, in second place… I’m just building the tension here… In second place is Sam’s team with +4 points.
Sam: Okay, we’ll take that.
Paul: That means the winner is Andy and Marcus. Well done Andy and Marcus.
Andy: That’s amazing. (Guitar music and party horn noise) We got monster points for the singing at the beginning obviously.
Sam: That’s got to be minus points right there.
Paul: Yeah, you got a total of seven points. So there we go.
Marcus: I find that so hard to believe but there you go.
Paul: Do you want to know who the overall winner is? And who the overall loser is? Okay, in last place overall unsurprisingly is Brett Harned, well done Brett. It was all down to that one joke I’m afraid.
Brett: Well worth it, well worth it! (Laughter)
Paul: In 2nd to last place is Tera, oh no, sorry. No, I did you a disservice. 2nd to last place is Ryan Taylor with –3 points. Well done Ryan.
Ryan: Where did my negative points come from?
Paul: I’ve no idea. I didn’t keep a note.
Ryan: I think you just started me at negative didn’t you? You just went –10 Ryan, everybody else started on zero.
Paul: For being Northern, yes. Probably something like that or having too many children or something, I don’t know! Whatever whim took me at a particular time. Then it is Tera with a very respectable +1 point, well done Tera.
Tera: Woo hoo.
Paul: She’s in there pluses, then it was Sam Barnes, no, sorry, take that back. You are even higher than that Sam because next in is Marcus Lillington with +2 points. Then Sam Barnes with +3. Two people left, then Leigh Howells with +4. Which means our winner is Andy Clarke with +5.
Andy: I’m just, I’m speechless! (Party horn noise)
Paul: You are just a very special human being.
Andy: For once in my life I have nothing to say
Paul: That means that Andy, you get to pimp whatever you want now. Go for it.
Andy: I’m going to…
Paul: You don’t know what to pimp now do you.
Andy: No, I know exactly want what I want to pimp. I want to pimp a little side project that I have been working on for the last couple of weeks because we haven’t had any client work! And it’s called Purposeful. And what we have been making are a set of HTML and CSS style guide templates that are designed to help people make really beautiful creative looking style guides and pattern libraries for themselves or for their clients and people can download these templates and customise them easily, HTML and CSS. They have been designed beautifully by me and coded up beautifully by people who know how to code. And each pack of Purposeful style guides templates covers about 20 pages and there are all those kind of common elements in there so colour, typography and buttons and form elements and tables and all those popular kind of pattern library components. And we are rushing to finish them off but they should be online to buy in January. And they are called Purposeful. And I don’t even have a domain name yet but I will get one soon.
Paul: Okay, that’s good you need a holding page which we could include in the show notes. You need to get a holding page live by the time this goes live. Marcus you are in the winning team as well. Propped up mainly by Andy it has to be said but that means you get an opportunity to pimp something to.
Marcus: Ooh, yes, okay. What I haven’t really got anything to pimp really other than Headscape, Headscape.co.uk, and I need everyone to wish my daughter and her husband to be good luck because they are getting married on Saturday. Although this is going to be in the past now. So I’m not really thinking about anything else at the moment other than wedding, wedding, wedding. But Headscape obviously, Headscape.co.uk, go there because we’re great.
Paul: Yay, okay. Cool, is there anything else anybody else wants to talk about before we wrap up this week’s show?
Andy: I have.
Paul: Go on then.
Andy: I would just like to say a massive, massive thank you to you Paul.
Paul: Ahh. An extra 10 points! (Laughter) Oh, no we finished!
Andy: Not just for doing all the things that you do but for inviting me to participate in this, well, rather strange podcast season that we’ve had. Which has been really good, really good. And it’s kind of got me back into podcasting end which is no mean feat. So I would just like to say thank you both for that and on a personal level for everything that you have done for me this year. As I think I’ve made it known before, I wouldn’t be sitting here today recording this stupid podcast if it wasn’t for you. So cheers mate. I love you very much.
Leigh: I’m just not used to this, someone being nice to Paul! It just doesn’t compute in my brain.
Paul: Has it confused you Leigh ?
Leigh: Yes, I don’t know what’s happening.
Paul: See, I am a nice person, despite what you say.
Marcus: I was nice to you on Twitter as well Paul, the other day.
Paul: What was that?
Marcus: I was nice to one Twitter.
Paul: Where you? I completely missed that! (Laughter)
Marcus: That says it all doesn’t it? Really?
Leigh: Or he read it the wrong way because it was you, yes.
Paul: Just for a moment there it was a special moment and then I managed to undermine it entirely. Andy, that is very much appreciated. Very nice, thank you very much. I am blushing like mad I am glad this isn’t a video broadcast. Thank you.
Andy: Do you blush to the top of your head?
Paul: No, I’m a neck blusher. I used to… What are you implying that Andy?
Andy: (whispering) No hair, baldy.
Paul: –10 points.
Leigh: Thats better, normal service is resumed.
Paul: Exactly. Thank you. And thank you guys all of you for being involved in this season of the show except for Brett, and except for Ryan who weren’t in this season but have been on many before. Ryan, back in the day he used to actually do the odd episode with me and Marcus or when we went on holiday and he was a huge supporter of the show for years. So it is still very much appreciated Ryan, all that effort you put in over the years. And as for Brett, while Brett has been a complete star and actually I want to let you in on a secret now. That out of all of you on this show, you’ve all been interviewed on the show at various times. Brett’s episode was the most high ranking and high downloaded of them all. And in fact since I’ve been recording, which hasn’t been forever, with the analytics, his was the most popular show ever listened to. There you go, what a man hey! So, I hope you feel honoured Brett.
Brett: I do, I’m blushing to the top of my head. (Laughter)
Paul: At least you can cover yours up, slightly more than me! Okay, so that’s it for this… So thank you very much for taking part in this week’s show. Thank you for listening and supporting this season of the show. I hope you’ve enjoyed it a bit of a weird last episode but that’s what happens when you have so many people on the show. Just to remind everybody again if you have found this show at all valuable over this season. If you have got anything out of anything that I have ever written or heard me speak or anything that you’ve heard from me ever. I would really encourage you to say a little thank you. And I would encourage you to say little thank you by going to Bethesda (B E T H E S D A)–project.org and making a donation. It doesn’t matter how big or how small it will be very much appreciated. If you run an agency and send Christmas cards to your clients then don’t this year. Because it’s a dumb idea and it’s a waste of money. Instead give the money to my charity. There will be a link in the show notes or you can just go straight to that domain that I just mentioned then. We are going to be back on 19th January where we are going to do the same format, roundtable discussion, that we have done for this season but with a slight twist.
Andy: Ooo, what’s the twist Paul?
Paul: Don’t ask me that. Because I don’t know what it is yet! (Laughter) That’s just the kind of… You can’t just say you’re going to do the same thing again can you because that sounds shit.
Marcus: It’s all going to be in French.
Paul: There we go. Apparently it’s all going to be in French. I won’t be hosting it then. So, thank you very much listening and see you again in the New Year goodbye.
All: Goodbye, bye.